Still Surviving

Posted on May 15, 2010 at 21:50:54 PM
Here I am again with another post, though I'm unsure why I felt the need to come on here and I'm unsure what I'm going to even say. Just a bit of an update, really. I think I'm seeking some kind and understanding words, perhaps other perspectives, reassurance, support, and well really I want someone to be proud of me and how much I have actually achieved.
Since I last logged on here I have broken down and picked myself up again so many times, in only a matter of months. I feel somehow pity and empathy towards my father and my loyalties feel split. My parents are making me feel like the middle man by asking what each other say all of the time. My father has broken down because my mother doesn't want him back and why would she? My family has fallen apart completely.

Four months on, my mother has found a new man. This bothers me. I convinced myself at first that I was only bothered because I found out through facebook. But I think it's deeper than that. I think psychologically I have some kind of man hate - every man that has ever been involved in our family has been some kind of abuser. The last three generations on my mother's side have been abused by men in a position of trust. She says she's never going to trust a man again, and here she is - floating around with another. Bringing another man into my life, or trying to, and the thing is I think I don't trust men. I don't trust men in her life. I don't trust men to have some kind of power or authority over me.
I am once again being referred to a new therapist. I think this is for the better, though - because at least I don't have to go back to the mental health team that referred me to social services and messed up my whole life, betrayed my trust, didn't give a damn about me and then walked right back out of my life. I don't know if a therapist will ever be able to successfully help me though because I think there's a part of me that won't let them.
You know sometimes though I don't like to admit it, I think I am guilty of making myself unhappy because that's where I feel comfortable and secure. As soon as I feel something or think something remotely happy, my brain somehow manages to put a downer on it and make me feel like crap again.

I'm on a bit of an up tonight, though. I'm progressing a lot with my college work and though no one there can understand (though I wish they could) I don't think many other people would have stuck to college and still done well under my circumstances. And I am so, so proud of that. It's like, F you, life, I'm taking the wheel now! (but then I think about the rest of my life and my unresolved university issues, friendship issues, oh and there's my messed up family too.) I hate myself for doing that, you know.
There's been a lot of self analysis, lately. I think I'm guilty of hiding behind humour and sarcasm, because I appear to be so happy and never take anything seriously and then this is what I am underneath. I am actually such a wreck I can't even find words for it. There just isn't enough time to explain how complex I am, or how complex everything I have been through is..
And you know - I've realised. I said when the abuse all came out, that it was okay because I've had six plus years to deal with it. But actually that's not true at all. I've had six months. Because before, it was pushed into my subconscious. Now, it's real. It really did happen. My father really did do that to me. I've made such a lot of progress in the sense that I can actually say the words now. But I told my mother the other day in fury about my self harm and that I wanted to kill myself. She went completely psycho on me and broke things and went for me. She was screaming at me and she told me everything that she is, is because of me.

We sorted it out in the end but I do think she meant what she said. I think subconsciously she blames me. I left that night to my father's house of all places, but he took me home and helped me resolve it. It's weird that he's the cause of all of this and yet... oh, I don't know. I just don't. I don't even understand it, the whole situation is so stupid and it's such a complete and utter mess. I don't know what to do with it.
I do not know what to do about university. A big part of me thinks, just go this year! Get away from here! But I don't know if I could handle the pressure of the work, and the finances right now.
D: haha I feel like such an idiot...

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Since this post I have decided I am going to take time out and go to University next year. I've finished college, I have good grades, and now it's time for me to take some time off for myself. Time to work, do voluntary work, relax a little bit and help myself along the recovery process. Because before I can help anyone else, I have to help myself. And I will.

I have very recently accepted some wonderful advice from a wonderfully strong and inspirational woman. "You take hold of that wheel, and you drive like crazy!"