This was posted by me on a forum on February 07, 2010 at 15:18:21 PM.
I have progressed very much since I wrote this, and a lot of the emotion was still very raw. It describes in detail what has happened to me so please read this with caution.
I don't really know how to start this. Recently, I have finally let out about the sexual abuse I received from my step father between the ages of around nine and fifteen. I didn't mean to.. I have been suffering from depression, I have had several counsellors, and I never told any of them. Finally, I decided it might help, and I told a mental health nurse I was seeing at the time. She told social services, which I didn't expect, as I have two younger siblings.
I had to wait two months for them to do anything. If they thought it was that serious, they would have been straight over. I love my family a lot and the last thing I wanted was to tear them apart. Things have been really great with my dad lately (step-dad, but I refer to him as my dad) and we get along really so well. Now he has had to move out.
I was lied to directly by social services when they told me the police would not be informed, I was lied to when they said they would not let my brother or sister know it was anything to do with me, and I felt I was pressured and manipulated by them. My sister came home from school, the day they went to see her, and told me I had made her miss her lunch because I had said someone had been touching me inappropriately. She asked my why I had said that. She is nine years old, and as I suspected, it was found she was at no risk.
Now my mother is devastated. She was sexually abused by her father, and raped on her eighteenth birthday. I am so worried about her, she will never trust anyone again and I don't blame her. She is the most important person in my life and I care about her so dearly.
I think it is still normal to love and care about my dad. I do, because things have been fine the last few years and I just feel he has lost so much because of this, be it his fault or not..
At first, he said he did not remember what he was doing. He said he was going through a bad period in his life, where he was drinking a lot, having seizures, and generally suffering from depression. I believed him at first, whether rightly or wrongly I didn't care... I figured, it wouldn't hurt me to believe that since no one else is at risk now. Though now, I'm not so sure. How can you not remember doing that? Okay, maybe if it was only once or twice. But not a number of times. Not the morning after asking if I had any nice dreams the previous night.
Not trying to get me to show him my breasts for a £5 note. Not rubbing my hand up and down his penis. Not touching me at night, and rubbing himself against me.
Not the latest time..when I was fifteen, and I had my first proper boyfriend..and he tried to touch my breast.
Since then, there's been nothing. There have of course been times where I have felt uncomfortable, and I really just wanted to know why. All of those inevitable what if questions..about my mum, and my sister..and is it because I look like my mum, and always was a well formed teenager, viewed as a young woman? Just...wanted to know the thought processes. Was he abused himself? Why did he do this to me? Why did he do this to my mum, after everything she's been through?
When he was doing what he did to me, and times when it has been mentioned on the TV or something since, I have got a particular vibe off him. I don't know what, but like he just wasn't himself. It's weird, I'm just so confused and so desperate for answers to which I don't really even know what the questions are.
I wish more than anything that I could just hate him. I don't know what to do.
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