"Your past will always be beside you. You just have to choose between letting it walk beside you, or dragging it behind you like a big black sack with a noose around your neck."
I saw my therapist yesterday. It's only our third session or something, but I've gone private after the failings of the quote care unquote of the NHS for so long. I really like her, actually. She's the best one I've had so far, the only one that's got me to speak about anything. The only one that's got me to think deeper about myself and the way I react to situations today, and the way I will for the rest of my life.
This might get a little bit complex, actually, as I'll be trying to understand myself as I go on writing.
I've realised there are certain triggers to my depression, and to when I hurt myself. I think these are when I feel controlled, when I feel ultra vulnerable, and when I feel like a bad person.
I think all of those three things can be paired with my childhood experiences. The control and the vulnerability, are obvious. But why when I feel like a bad person? Perhaps subconsciously for a long time before everything came out, I felt like I was a bad person because I didn't stop it. Because I felt I had betrayed my mother. I was just a child - I thought I could have stopped it, I should have.
But I couldn't. I was, like I say, just a child. A vulnerable little girl abused by someone who she is supposed to be able to trust. I was too young to take control then, to REALLY know the difference between right and wrong... you get the picture. I think part of that is still there, though, in my subconscious... because throughout my teenage years I have cut myself or felt the strong urge to cut myself whenever I feel like I'm a bad person. Perhaps that's why, because that's what I did back then. That was my coping mechanism. And sometimes, it still is.
I feel a certain amount of shame to admit that still sometimes I cut myself. There are scars and cuts on my right thigh. And they are from each time I have felt any of the above 'triggers' because I didn't know how to deal with them. It's something only someone who has cut themselves before can really understand. Even just that second of relief that you feel as you slide the blade through your skin. Once you've done it, it's there, with you for life. Not just the physical scar, but the emotional scars too. With each scar on my thigh represents an emotional scar because now I will have to learn to walk with those at the side of me, and get rid of the noose around my neck. I think now I am figuring out about these coping mechanisms I have used, maybe I can develop new ones and stop myself from cutting in the future.
What has happened to me is going to be with me for the rest of my life. Things are going to happen that are going to bring up memories, make me feel vulnerable, controlled, or a bad person. Because let's face it, everyone makes mistakes. Maybe now that I recognise my coping mechanisms and why I 'lose it' under certain situations, I can develop new ways of dealing with the emotions that I will be feeling. Cut the noose from around my neck, and take a deep, sigh of relief.
Wednesday, 30 June 2010
Monday, 28 June 2010
Still Surviving
Posted on May 15, 2010 at 21:50:54 PM
Here I am again with another post, though I'm unsure why I felt the need to come on here and I'm unsure what I'm going to even say. Just a bit of an update, really. I think I'm seeking some kind and understanding words, perhaps other perspectives, reassurance, support, and well really I want someone to be proud of me and how much I have actually achieved.
Since I last logged on here I have broken down and picked myself up again so many times, in only a matter of months. I feel somehow pity and empathy towards my father and my loyalties feel split. My parents are making me feel like the middle man by asking what each other say all of the time. My father has broken down because my mother doesn't want him back and why would she? My family has fallen apart completely.
Four months on, my mother has found a new man. This bothers me. I convinced myself at first that I was only bothered because I found out through facebook. But I think it's deeper than that. I think psychologically I have some kind of man hate - every man that has ever been involved in our family has been some kind of abuser. The last three generations on my mother's side have been abused by men in a position of trust. She says she's never going to trust a man again, and here she is - floating around with another. Bringing another man into my life, or trying to, and the thing is I think I don't trust men. I don't trust men in her life. I don't trust men to have some kind of power or authority over me.
I am once again being referred to a new therapist. I think this is for the better, though - because at least I don't have to go back to the mental health team that referred me to social services and messed up my whole life, betrayed my trust, didn't give a damn about me and then walked right back out of my life. I don't know if a therapist will ever be able to successfully help me though because I think there's a part of me that won't let them.
You know sometimes though I don't like to admit it, I think I am guilty of making myself unhappy because that's where I feel comfortable and secure. As soon as I feel something or think something remotely happy, my brain somehow manages to put a downer on it and make me feel like crap again.
I'm on a bit of an up tonight, though. I'm progressing a lot with my college work and though no one there can understand (though I wish they could) I don't think many other people would have stuck to college and still done well under my circumstances. And I am so, so proud of that. It's like, F you, life, I'm taking the wheel now! (but then I think about the rest of my life and my unresolved university issues, friendship issues, oh and there's my messed up family too.) I hate myself for doing that, you know.
There's been a lot of self analysis, lately. I think I'm guilty of hiding behind humour and sarcasm, because I appear to be so happy and never take anything seriously and then this is what I am underneath. I am actually such a wreck I can't even find words for it. There just isn't enough time to explain how complex I am, or how complex everything I have been through is..
And you know - I've realised. I said when the abuse all came out, that it was okay because I've had six plus years to deal with it. But actually that's not true at all. I've had six months. Because before, it was pushed into my subconscious. Now, it's real. It really did happen. My father really did do that to me. I've made such a lot of progress in the sense that I can actually say the words now. But I told my mother the other day in fury about my self harm and that I wanted to kill myself. She went completely psycho on me and broke things and went for me. She was screaming at me and she told me everything that she is, is because of me.
We sorted it out in the end but I do think she meant what she said. I think subconsciously she blames me. I left that night to my father's house of all places, but he took me home and helped me resolve it. It's weird that he's the cause of all of this and yet... oh, I don't know. I just don't. I don't even understand it, the whole situation is so stupid and it's such a complete and utter mess. I don't know what to do with it.
I do not know what to do about university. A big part of me thinks, just go this year! Get away from here! But I don't know if I could handle the pressure of the work, and the finances right now.
D: haha I feel like such an idiot...
-----------------
Since this post I have decided I am going to take time out and go to University next year. I've finished college, I have good grades, and now it's time for me to take some time off for myself. Time to work, do voluntary work, relax a little bit and help myself along the recovery process. Because before I can help anyone else, I have to help myself. And I will.
I have very recently accepted some wonderful advice from a wonderfully strong and inspirational woman. "You take hold of that wheel, and you drive like crazy!"
Here I am again with another post, though I'm unsure why I felt the need to come on here and I'm unsure what I'm going to even say. Just a bit of an update, really. I think I'm seeking some kind and understanding words, perhaps other perspectives, reassurance, support, and well really I want someone to be proud of me and how much I have actually achieved.
Since I last logged on here I have broken down and picked myself up again so many times, in only a matter of months. I feel somehow pity and empathy towards my father and my loyalties feel split. My parents are making me feel like the middle man by asking what each other say all of the time. My father has broken down because my mother doesn't want him back and why would she? My family has fallen apart completely.
Four months on, my mother has found a new man. This bothers me. I convinced myself at first that I was only bothered because I found out through facebook. But I think it's deeper than that. I think psychologically I have some kind of man hate - every man that has ever been involved in our family has been some kind of abuser. The last three generations on my mother's side have been abused by men in a position of trust. She says she's never going to trust a man again, and here she is - floating around with another. Bringing another man into my life, or trying to, and the thing is I think I don't trust men. I don't trust men in her life. I don't trust men to have some kind of power or authority over me.
I am once again being referred to a new therapist. I think this is for the better, though - because at least I don't have to go back to the mental health team that referred me to social services and messed up my whole life, betrayed my trust, didn't give a damn about me and then walked right back out of my life. I don't know if a therapist will ever be able to successfully help me though because I think there's a part of me that won't let them.
You know sometimes though I don't like to admit it, I think I am guilty of making myself unhappy because that's where I feel comfortable and secure. As soon as I feel something or think something remotely happy, my brain somehow manages to put a downer on it and make me feel like crap again.
I'm on a bit of an up tonight, though. I'm progressing a lot with my college work and though no one there can understand (though I wish they could) I don't think many other people would have stuck to college and still done well under my circumstances. And I am so, so proud of that. It's like, F you, life, I'm taking the wheel now! (but then I think about the rest of my life and my unresolved university issues, friendship issues, oh and there's my messed up family too.) I hate myself for doing that, you know.
There's been a lot of self analysis, lately. I think I'm guilty of hiding behind humour and sarcasm, because I appear to be so happy and never take anything seriously and then this is what I am underneath. I am actually such a wreck I can't even find words for it. There just isn't enough time to explain how complex I am, or how complex everything I have been through is..
And you know - I've realised. I said when the abuse all came out, that it was okay because I've had six plus years to deal with it. But actually that's not true at all. I've had six months. Because before, it was pushed into my subconscious. Now, it's real. It really did happen. My father really did do that to me. I've made such a lot of progress in the sense that I can actually say the words now. But I told my mother the other day in fury about my self harm and that I wanted to kill myself. She went completely psycho on me and broke things and went for me. She was screaming at me and she told me everything that she is, is because of me.
We sorted it out in the end but I do think she meant what she said. I think subconsciously she blames me. I left that night to my father's house of all places, but he took me home and helped me resolve it. It's weird that he's the cause of all of this and yet... oh, I don't know. I just don't. I don't even understand it, the whole situation is so stupid and it's such a complete and utter mess. I don't know what to do with it.
I do not know what to do about university. A big part of me thinks, just go this year! Get away from here! But I don't know if I could handle the pressure of the work, and the finances right now.
D: haha I feel like such an idiot...
-----------------
Since this post I have decided I am going to take time out and go to University next year. I've finished college, I have good grades, and now it's time for me to take some time off for myself. Time to work, do voluntary work, relax a little bit and help myself along the recovery process. Because before I can help anyone else, I have to help myself. And I will.
I have very recently accepted some wonderful advice from a wonderfully strong and inspirational woman. "You take hold of that wheel, and you drive like crazy!"
The start of my long story, in more depth.
This was posted by me on a forum on February 07, 2010 at 15:18:21 PM.
I have progressed very much since I wrote this, and a lot of the emotion was still very raw. It describes in detail what has happened to me so please read this with caution.
I don't really know how to start this. Recently, I have finally let out about the sexual abuse I received from my step father between the ages of around nine and fifteen. I didn't mean to.. I have been suffering from depression, I have had several counsellors, and I never told any of them. Finally, I decided it might help, and I told a mental health nurse I was seeing at the time. She told social services, which I didn't expect, as I have two younger siblings.
I had to wait two months for them to do anything. If they thought it was that serious, they would have been straight over. I love my family a lot and the last thing I wanted was to tear them apart. Things have been really great with my dad lately (step-dad, but I refer to him as my dad) and we get along really so well. Now he has had to move out.
I was lied to directly by social services when they told me the police would not be informed, I was lied to when they said they would not let my brother or sister know it was anything to do with me, and I felt I was pressured and manipulated by them. My sister came home from school, the day they went to see her, and told me I had made her miss her lunch because I had said someone had been touching me inappropriately. She asked my why I had said that. She is nine years old, and as I suspected, it was found she was at no risk.
Now my mother is devastated. She was sexually abused by her father, and raped on her eighteenth birthday. I am so worried about her, she will never trust anyone again and I don't blame her. She is the most important person in my life and I care about her so dearly.
I think it is still normal to love and care about my dad. I do, because things have been fine the last few years and I just feel he has lost so much because of this, be it his fault or not..
At first, he said he did not remember what he was doing. He said he was going through a bad period in his life, where he was drinking a lot, having seizures, and generally suffering from depression. I believed him at first, whether rightly or wrongly I didn't care... I figured, it wouldn't hurt me to believe that since no one else is at risk now. Though now, I'm not so sure. How can you not remember doing that? Okay, maybe if it was only once or twice. But not a number of times. Not the morning after asking if I had any nice dreams the previous night.
Not trying to get me to show him my breasts for a £5 note. Not rubbing my hand up and down his penis. Not touching me at night, and rubbing himself against me.
Not the latest time..when I was fifteen, and I had my first proper boyfriend..and he tried to touch my breast.
Since then, there's been nothing. There have of course been times where I have felt uncomfortable, and I really just wanted to know why. All of those inevitable what if questions..about my mum, and my sister..and is it because I look like my mum, and always was a well formed teenager, viewed as a young woman? Just...wanted to know the thought processes. Was he abused himself? Why did he do this to me? Why did he do this to my mum, after everything she's been through?
When he was doing what he did to me, and times when it has been mentioned on the TV or something since, I have got a particular vibe off him. I don't know what, but like he just wasn't himself. It's weird, I'm just so confused and so desperate for answers to which I don't really even know what the questions are.
I wish more than anything that I could just hate him. I don't know what to do.
I have progressed very much since I wrote this, and a lot of the emotion was still very raw. It describes in detail what has happened to me so please read this with caution.
I don't really know how to start this. Recently, I have finally let out about the sexual abuse I received from my step father between the ages of around nine and fifteen. I didn't mean to.. I have been suffering from depression, I have had several counsellors, and I never told any of them. Finally, I decided it might help, and I told a mental health nurse I was seeing at the time. She told social services, which I didn't expect, as I have two younger siblings.
I had to wait two months for them to do anything. If they thought it was that serious, they would have been straight over. I love my family a lot and the last thing I wanted was to tear them apart. Things have been really great with my dad lately (step-dad, but I refer to him as my dad) and we get along really so well. Now he has had to move out.
I was lied to directly by social services when they told me the police would not be informed, I was lied to when they said they would not let my brother or sister know it was anything to do with me, and I felt I was pressured and manipulated by them. My sister came home from school, the day they went to see her, and told me I had made her miss her lunch because I had said someone had been touching me inappropriately. She asked my why I had said that. She is nine years old, and as I suspected, it was found she was at no risk.
Now my mother is devastated. She was sexually abused by her father, and raped on her eighteenth birthday. I am so worried about her, she will never trust anyone again and I don't blame her. She is the most important person in my life and I care about her so dearly.
I think it is still normal to love and care about my dad. I do, because things have been fine the last few years and I just feel he has lost so much because of this, be it his fault or not..
At first, he said he did not remember what he was doing. He said he was going through a bad period in his life, where he was drinking a lot, having seizures, and generally suffering from depression. I believed him at first, whether rightly or wrongly I didn't care... I figured, it wouldn't hurt me to believe that since no one else is at risk now. Though now, I'm not so sure. How can you not remember doing that? Okay, maybe if it was only once or twice. But not a number of times. Not the morning after asking if I had any nice dreams the previous night.
Not trying to get me to show him my breasts for a £5 note. Not rubbing my hand up and down his penis. Not touching me at night, and rubbing himself against me.
Not the latest time..when I was fifteen, and I had my first proper boyfriend..and he tried to touch my breast.
Since then, there's been nothing. There have of course been times where I have felt uncomfortable, and I really just wanted to know why. All of those inevitable what if questions..about my mum, and my sister..and is it because I look like my mum, and always was a well formed teenager, viewed as a young woman? Just...wanted to know the thought processes. Was he abused himself? Why did he do this to me? Why did he do this to my mum, after everything she's been through?
When he was doing what he did to me, and times when it has been mentioned on the TV or something since, I have got a particular vibe off him. I don't know what, but like he just wasn't himself. It's weird, I'm just so confused and so desperate for answers to which I don't really even know what the questions are.
I wish more than anything that I could just hate him. I don't know what to do.
Forgiveness
A few posts on an forum I go on have got me thinking about forgiveness.
Not just after the abuse from my father, but concerning everything in my life.. my biological father, ex boyfriends and girlfriends, old friends, best friends.. and of course the world, and society itself.
So many people have hurt me so much during the course of my yet so short life. I feel so failed by the people who were not supposed to fail me, by the world I was born into, and the society that was supposed to be able to protect me.
I feel the only way I can ever really be at peace, and heal my little girl inside as well as the broken adult.. would be to forgive everyone I have ever been hurt by. REALLY forgive them. Not forget, forgive. Rise above it.
This is something that I have actually struggled with for quite some time. I used to think I had forgiven these people for what they had done to me, but after everything came out, I don't think I have. I think forgiveness is a very important part of the healing process and it is something that I work on every single day.
"Forgiveness is not done because someone deserves it, it's done because they need it."
Who needs it? Not just the people who have done me wrong, but I need it myself. I need to be able to forgive before I become a bitter woman and lose any hope that I have left.
So I stumbled across a website, that actually, really helped to put a lot of things in perspective. The whole article can be found here: http://www.guidetopsychology.com/forgive.htm
and I will include some quotes of what I found particularly useful.
Please tell me. Why does it feel easier to forgive my father, than to forgive an ex? An old best friend?
I think I have concluded that maybe it's because I was so young and my dad was relatively new to my life, I hadn't yet had chance to form a trusting and secure relationship with him. Whereas with my old best friend, I had formed that kind of relationship with her. So I expected a lot more from her.
"No matter what anyone does to you, no one can take away from you your capacity to do good. You lose it only by willingly giving it up yourself.
So remember that if anyone has ever hurt you, you don’t find forgiveness, you give it.
In forgiving them you ultimately feel mercy for yourself, and you free yourself of your greatest burden: hatred."
Agreed. Filling yourself with hatred and anger only hurts yourself, and the resentment does nothing to the person that has harmed you. If I don't forgive those who have done me wrong, what would I achieve?
I have found that to not forgive someone, hurts no one but yourself.
"It's sad that in wishing someone else to hell, you send yourself there also."
That said, forgiveness is still a very long and hard process. But I think if we work hard enough then we will get there in the end. I won't let anyone hurt me any more than they already have, and I most certainly won't let anyone take away my own capacity to do good in the world.
I have the power to do all that I want to do. And so do you. We all do - we are who we want to be, we can accept other people's mistakes and we can accept our own. If we can learn to do this we can learn to finally achieve the happiness we all deserve.
Not just after the abuse from my father, but concerning everything in my life.. my biological father, ex boyfriends and girlfriends, old friends, best friends.. and of course the world, and society itself.
So many people have hurt me so much during the course of my yet so short life. I feel so failed by the people who were not supposed to fail me, by the world I was born into, and the society that was supposed to be able to protect me.
I feel the only way I can ever really be at peace, and heal my little girl inside as well as the broken adult.. would be to forgive everyone I have ever been hurt by. REALLY forgive them. Not forget, forgive. Rise above it.
This is something that I have actually struggled with for quite some time. I used to think I had forgiven these people for what they had done to me, but after everything came out, I don't think I have. I think forgiveness is a very important part of the healing process and it is something that I work on every single day.
"Forgiveness is not done because someone deserves it, it's done because they need it."
Who needs it? Not just the people who have done me wrong, but I need it myself. I need to be able to forgive before I become a bitter woman and lose any hope that I have left.
So I stumbled across a website, that actually, really helped to put a lot of things in perspective. The whole article can be found here: http://www.guidetopsychology.com/forgive.htm
and I will include some quotes of what I found particularly useful.
Please tell me. Why does it feel easier to forgive my father, than to forgive an ex? An old best friend?
I think I have concluded that maybe it's because I was so young and my dad was relatively new to my life, I hadn't yet had chance to form a trusting and secure relationship with him. Whereas with my old best friend, I had formed that kind of relationship with her. So I expected a lot more from her.
"No matter what anyone does to you, no one can take away from you your capacity to do good. You lose it only by willingly giving it up yourself.
So remember that if anyone has ever hurt you, you don’t find forgiveness, you give it.
In forgiving them you ultimately feel mercy for yourself, and you free yourself of your greatest burden: hatred."
Agreed. Filling yourself with hatred and anger only hurts yourself, and the resentment does nothing to the person that has harmed you. If I don't forgive those who have done me wrong, what would I achieve?
I have found that to not forgive someone, hurts no one but yourself.
"It's sad that in wishing someone else to hell, you send yourself there also."
That said, forgiveness is still a very long and hard process. But I think if we work hard enough then we will get there in the end. I won't let anyone hurt me any more than they already have, and I most certainly won't let anyone take away my own capacity to do good in the world.
I have the power to do all that I want to do. And so do you. We all do - we are who we want to be, we can accept other people's mistakes and we can accept our own. If we can learn to do this we can learn to finally achieve the happiness we all deserve.
Thursday, 24 June 2010
The Wiccan Rede
Bide within the Law you must, in perfect Love and perfect Trust.
Live you must and let to live, fairly take and fairly give.
For tread the Circle thrice about to keep unwelcome spirits out.
To bind the spell well every time, let the spell be said in rhyme.
Light of eye and soft of touch, speak you little, listen much.
Honour the Old Ones in deed and name,
let love and light be our guides again.
Deosil go by the waxing moon, chanting out the joyful tune.
Widdershins go when the moon doth wane,
and the werewolf howls by the dread wolfsbane.
When the Lady's moon is new, kiss the hand to Her times two.
When the moon rides at Her peak then your heart's desire seek.
Heed the North winds mighty gale, lock the door and trim the sail.
When the Wind blows from the East, expect the new and set the feast.
When the wind comes from the South, love will kiss you on the mouth.
When the wind whispers from the West, all hearts will find peace and rest.
Nine woods in the Cauldron go, burn them fast and burn them slow.
Birch in the fire goes to represent what the Lady knows.
Oak in the forest towers with might, in the fire it brings the God's
insight. Rowan is a tree of power causing life and magick to flower.
Willows at the waterside stand ready to help us to the Summerland.
Hawthorn is burned to purify and to draw faerie to your eye.
Hazel-the tree of wisdom and learning adds its strength to the bright fire burning.
White are the flowers of Apple tree that brings us fruits of fertility.
Grapes grow upon the vine giving us both joy and wine.
Fir does mark the evergreen to represent immortality seen.
Elder is the Lady's tree burn it not or cursed you'll be.
Four times the Major Sabbats mark in the light and in the dark.
As the old year starts to wane the new begins, it's now Samhain.
When the time for Imbolc shows watch for flowers through the snows.
When the wheel begins to turn soon the Beltane fires will burn.
As the wheel turns to Lamas night power is brought to magick rite.
Four times the Minor Sabbats fall use the Sun to mark them all.
When the wheel has turned to Yule light the log the Horned One rules.
In the spring, when night equals day time for Ostara to come our way.
When the Sun has reached it's height time for Oak and Holly to fight.
Harvesting comes to one and all when the Autumn Equinox does fall.
Heed the flower, bush, and tree by the Lady blessed you'll be.
Where the rippling waters go cast a stone, the truth you'll know.
When you have and hold a need, harken not to others greed.
With a fool no season spend or be counted as his friend.
Merry Meet and Merry Part bright the cheeks and warm the heart.
Mind the Three-fold Laws you should three times bad and three times good.
When misfortune is enow wear the star upon your brow.
Be true in love this you must do unless your love is false to you.
These Eight words the Rede fulfill:
"An Ye Harm None, Do What Ye Will"
Live you must and let to live, fairly take and fairly give.
For tread the Circle thrice about to keep unwelcome spirits out.
To bind the spell well every time, let the spell be said in rhyme.
Light of eye and soft of touch, speak you little, listen much.
Honour the Old Ones in deed and name,
let love and light be our guides again.
Deosil go by the waxing moon, chanting out the joyful tune.
Widdershins go when the moon doth wane,
and the werewolf howls by the dread wolfsbane.
When the Lady's moon is new, kiss the hand to Her times two.
When the moon rides at Her peak then your heart's desire seek.
Heed the North winds mighty gale, lock the door and trim the sail.
When the Wind blows from the East, expect the new and set the feast.
When the wind comes from the South, love will kiss you on the mouth.
When the wind whispers from the West, all hearts will find peace and rest.
Nine woods in the Cauldron go, burn them fast and burn them slow.
Birch in the fire goes to represent what the Lady knows.
Oak in the forest towers with might, in the fire it brings the God's
insight. Rowan is a tree of power causing life and magick to flower.
Willows at the waterside stand ready to help us to the Summerland.
Hawthorn is burned to purify and to draw faerie to your eye.
Hazel-the tree of wisdom and learning adds its strength to the bright fire burning.
White are the flowers of Apple tree that brings us fruits of fertility.
Grapes grow upon the vine giving us both joy and wine.
Fir does mark the evergreen to represent immortality seen.
Elder is the Lady's tree burn it not or cursed you'll be.
Four times the Major Sabbats mark in the light and in the dark.
As the old year starts to wane the new begins, it's now Samhain.
When the time for Imbolc shows watch for flowers through the snows.
When the wheel begins to turn soon the Beltane fires will burn.
As the wheel turns to Lamas night power is brought to magick rite.
Four times the Minor Sabbats fall use the Sun to mark them all.
When the wheel has turned to Yule light the log the Horned One rules.
In the spring, when night equals day time for Ostara to come our way.
When the Sun has reached it's height time for Oak and Holly to fight.
Harvesting comes to one and all when the Autumn Equinox does fall.
Heed the flower, bush, and tree by the Lady blessed you'll be.
Where the rippling waters go cast a stone, the truth you'll know.
When you have and hold a need, harken not to others greed.
With a fool no season spend or be counted as his friend.
Merry Meet and Merry Part bright the cheeks and warm the heart.
Mind the Three-fold Laws you should three times bad and three times good.
When misfortune is enow wear the star upon your brow.
Be true in love this you must do unless your love is false to you.
These Eight words the Rede fulfill:
"An Ye Harm None, Do What Ye Will"
Religion, Ethics, Faith
Sometimes, I just sit at my Altar and I pray. I don’t know what or who I am praying to, really. The Divine, energies, nature, the forces of the universe. I don’t suppose it matters anyway, really. I think prayer works in the same way under all religious paths: I firmly believe that if something is meant to be then one day it will be. I think prayer, even witchcraft, is partly psychological because if you want something hard enough to pray for it perhaps you’re more likely to make it happen. Perhaps it’s the energies of the universe working in your favour. Or maybe there’s a God, a Goddess, answering people’s calls: seemingly those most tedious rather than those requiring the most attention. I don’t know.
Wednesday, 09 September 2009 at 18:26
I'm not really sure why I'm writing this. It's partially for my own benefit so I can clarify things for myself and make sure they sound right to myself. But it's also partially to make people more aware of different religions and eliiminate some popular misconceptions, while simply expressing my personal beliefs and opinions.
Warning: I am certainly not looking for any insulting comments, and I have absolutely no intention of causing anybody offense. So please, if I say something you find insulting, or take offense to - be mature about it. I'll try and explain it if I can, and we can have a healthy debate or agree to disagree.
I most certainly do not intend to cause any amount of offence.
So. Sometimes people make comments to me about all religion being a bad idea. All it does is cause wars - they tell me. Religions are all just formed around power hungry people, who don't care about anyone but themselves. This is another one I often hear.
I think these are comments made from people who have poorly researched, and followed the popular misconceptions, or beliefs about mainstream religions. I am more than aware that religion causes so many problems within the world. I am more than aware, that mainstream religions have way too much power, and way too much money.
Please, no offense intended - just a personal view. Christianity, for instance. All the big deal about helping people and making the world a better place. Yet, there are such horrific phrases in the bible condemning so many people to death, or saying that so many things are wrong. Not to be taken literally, some people say? I say contradictory. Also, the Church has probably more money than everyone in the world combined (maybe a little exaggeration), and yet, a low percentage of it goes on helping people in poverty or whatever.
However, on the flip side - I completely respect and agree with having faith. I think this is healthy, and I think everyone deserves it. I completely respect their beliefs in God, or creation, and a lot of things really. I don't personally believe these things, but I respect that they do. I do know that Christians are often very lovely people, that DO want to help people. My criticism was mainly against the Church. I know people who go to other countries and help out to make their lives a better place. They are lovely people, and I do have a lot of respect for the Christians that I know. As long as they don't try to inflict their views on me, then that's just dandy. I love to visit churches and cathedrals, I love the history of them, but it just shows how much money has been wasted time & time again - billions of pounds that could have helped billions of people? Just saying.
Wicca.
My own personal religious and ethical beliefs are routed and lie under this heading, and actually are the main reason I am posting this - before I started rambling about Christianity and people's misconceptions, mainstream religions, and that it's unfair to generalise all religions because of some religions' flaws.
Okay so Wicca is a recognised, but under publicised (at least not reasonably) religion. It falls under the grouping of being a Pagan religion, an earth based religion. Wicca follows the cycle of the year, and celebrates significant points, such as the changing of seasons. These also have relevance to the God and the Goddess, but it's basically just celebrating life and nature.
Me personally.
I completely respect and love nature, all that it brings. I love the world, I love plants, I love animals. And yeah, I guess I love humans too. I want to do all I can in my life to help make the world a better place. I do have an idealistic wish for the world, but I am also aware that this is unachievable. I wish that the world could be a Paradise (or what is in my eyes) without anyone harming each other or the world, everyone being full of love, and respect. Yeah, balance of good and evil, blah blah. I know my idealistic view is never going to come to truth. However, I do not, and will never, think this a good enough reason not to try to do my best. And I have no respect for anybody who doesn't think that. I know I am constantly being let down by everyone and everything in the world. But I will never stop trying.
Going back to the idea of Paradise. I'm aware that it could be ambiguous in terms of the world as a whole, because what is one person's Paradise may not be another person's. Someone's idea of Paradise may include death and chaos, where mine certainly includes the opposite. I also believe that Paradise is more of a state of mind, than a physical existance.
Wicca, basically, all boils down to the one rule. 'An it harm none, do what you will.' This is often criticised for being too open to different interpretations. But I think that's pretty stupid to be honest. All it's saying, is don't intentionally do anything to hurt someone or something. It's not hard. There's also something called the threefold law, which has ideas similar to that of Karma. Basically, it states the belief that whatever you do, good or bad, will one day come back to you threefold. This is something I am currently struggling with intensely.
Wiccans do not seek to 'turn' or 'convert' people. Neither do they offer ultimatums, (?) or use fear to gain them power and get people to join their religion. There is no Hell, believe it and follow it if you want - if you don't, don't. Wiccans respect equality and diversity, and respect everyone having their own beliefs and opinions.
Some Wiccans believe in an afterlife, or reincarnation. For a long time, I've not really been sure about this. This one completely depends on the person you speak to.
Creation? All very Scientific, as far as I'm concerned. Evolution all the way for me. In Wicca there is a God and a Goddess, known as the triple Goddess and the Horned God to many. These Gods and Goddesses then often split into different Gods and Goddesses, each representing something different. This is also different with every Wiccan, because some believe in a physical, existing God and Goddess. I personally think of the God and the Goddess as basically 'everything there is' each representing different points in the world and in nature. Basically energy, life, existence. Basically, I would use the God and the Goddess in my prayer to the universe to help be more specific on what I am asking for. As explained below.
Of course, then there's the big one. Witchcraft. One of the least understood terms in today's Society. First of all, Witchcraft is not a religion. You can practice witchcraft and not be Wiccan, and you can be Wiccan and not practice Witchcraft. Witchcraft and Wicca are NOT one of the same. Also varying with everyone you talk to - I believe in Witchcraft as being that everything in the universe is connected to everything, therefore messages being sent asking for certain, reasonable things. I believe in Witchcraft as the transferral of energy. Not Hocus Pocus. Probably the biggest thing, for me, about Witchcraft - is that it's more Psychological. If I want something enough to ask the universe for it, I am likely to be making decisions and following the path afterwards to lead me towards what I want. I am likely to try harder.
Another misconception would be the involvement of Satanism. I know I have been rambling, so I will try to be as brief as I can here.
Satanism is in no way related, or similar, to Wicca. Other than the practice of Witchcraft. Satanism does not practice the worship of Satan. It does however, view him as an idol and they would try to see aspects of him in themselves. Not in a Hellish way, in more of a - give what you get, way. It's about revenge, from my interpretation. It's about looking after you and yours, and only you and yours. It's often very much opposite to Wicca. Though I have met plenty of Satanists, who have been lovely, respectable people. Is Satanism also a Pagan religion? I don't know. It depends on your definition of Paganism. A long time ago, it just meant 'person with no religion, or not a Christian'. Now, it can either mean 'an earth based religion' or 'religion that is not either Christianity, Muslim, and a few more that I'm unclear of because I've forgot'. Either way, it's pretty controversial, and Wiccans and religions alike often like to use the term neo-Paganism to brand themselves to avoid the controversy.
I would personally say that Paganism includes earth based religions, and I would not brand Satanism under this.
I may have made some mistakes with some of the information, due to poor research. Everything I have written is true as far as I'm aware - but feel free to discuss anything if you're not sure. I understand there will be a lot of bias in there, and I understand that the language when speaking about religions other than my own will reflect that they are not my own :P and I am sorry about this, but I did say I was going to put my own opinions. I'm sorry if anyone finds these unreasonable, and I'm sorry about the unavoidable language-reflecting bias. Like I said, I still have upmost respect for everyone who does not believe the same things I do, we're all people at the end of the day. I have my opinions, but I will look upon everyone as an individual and not judge them on their religion. Something I wish more people would be capable of. Both historically, and in modern Society.
I've probably missed loads, but yeah. If anyone actually read that far, I would welcome questions and comments. Thank you :)
Wednesday, 09 September 2009 at 18:26
I'm not really sure why I'm writing this. It's partially for my own benefit so I can clarify things for myself and make sure they sound right to myself. But it's also partially to make people more aware of different religions and eliiminate some popular misconceptions, while simply expressing my personal beliefs and opinions.
Warning: I am certainly not looking for any insulting comments, and I have absolutely no intention of causing anybody offense. So please, if I say something you find insulting, or take offense to - be mature about it. I'll try and explain it if I can, and we can have a healthy debate or agree to disagree.
I most certainly do not intend to cause any amount of offence.
So. Sometimes people make comments to me about all religion being a bad idea. All it does is cause wars - they tell me. Religions are all just formed around power hungry people, who don't care about anyone but themselves. This is another one I often hear.
I think these are comments made from people who have poorly researched, and followed the popular misconceptions, or beliefs about mainstream religions. I am more than aware that religion causes so many problems within the world. I am more than aware, that mainstream religions have way too much power, and way too much money.
Please, no offense intended - just a personal view. Christianity, for instance. All the big deal about helping people and making the world a better place. Yet, there are such horrific phrases in the bible condemning so many people to death, or saying that so many things are wrong. Not to be taken literally, some people say? I say contradictory. Also, the Church has probably more money than everyone in the world combined (maybe a little exaggeration), and yet, a low percentage of it goes on helping people in poverty or whatever.
However, on the flip side - I completely respect and agree with having faith. I think this is healthy, and I think everyone deserves it. I completely respect their beliefs in God, or creation, and a lot of things really. I don't personally believe these things, but I respect that they do. I do know that Christians are often very lovely people, that DO want to help people. My criticism was mainly against the Church. I know people who go to other countries and help out to make their lives a better place. They are lovely people, and I do have a lot of respect for the Christians that I know. As long as they don't try to inflict their views on me, then that's just dandy. I love to visit churches and cathedrals, I love the history of them, but it just shows how much money has been wasted time & time again - billions of pounds that could have helped billions of people? Just saying.
Wicca.
My own personal religious and ethical beliefs are routed and lie under this heading, and actually are the main reason I am posting this - before I started rambling about Christianity and people's misconceptions, mainstream religions, and that it's unfair to generalise all religions because of some religions' flaws.
Okay so Wicca is a recognised, but under publicised (at least not reasonably) religion. It falls under the grouping of being a Pagan religion, an earth based religion. Wicca follows the cycle of the year, and celebrates significant points, such as the changing of seasons. These also have relevance to the God and the Goddess, but it's basically just celebrating life and nature.
Me personally.
I completely respect and love nature, all that it brings. I love the world, I love plants, I love animals. And yeah, I guess I love humans too. I want to do all I can in my life to help make the world a better place. I do have an idealistic wish for the world, but I am also aware that this is unachievable. I wish that the world could be a Paradise (or what is in my eyes) without anyone harming each other or the world, everyone being full of love, and respect. Yeah, balance of good and evil, blah blah. I know my idealistic view is never going to come to truth. However, I do not, and will never, think this a good enough reason not to try to do my best. And I have no respect for anybody who doesn't think that. I know I am constantly being let down by everyone and everything in the world. But I will never stop trying.
Going back to the idea of Paradise. I'm aware that it could be ambiguous in terms of the world as a whole, because what is one person's Paradise may not be another person's. Someone's idea of Paradise may include death and chaos, where mine certainly includes the opposite. I also believe that Paradise is more of a state of mind, than a physical existance.
Wicca, basically, all boils down to the one rule. 'An it harm none, do what you will.' This is often criticised for being too open to different interpretations. But I think that's pretty stupid to be honest. All it's saying, is don't intentionally do anything to hurt someone or something. It's not hard. There's also something called the threefold law, which has ideas similar to that of Karma. Basically, it states the belief that whatever you do, good or bad, will one day come back to you threefold. This is something I am currently struggling with intensely.
Wiccans do not seek to 'turn' or 'convert' people. Neither do they offer ultimatums, (?) or use fear to gain them power and get people to join their religion. There is no Hell, believe it and follow it if you want - if you don't, don't. Wiccans respect equality and diversity, and respect everyone having their own beliefs and opinions.
Some Wiccans believe in an afterlife, or reincarnation. For a long time, I've not really been sure about this. This one completely depends on the person you speak to.
Creation? All very Scientific, as far as I'm concerned. Evolution all the way for me. In Wicca there is a God and a Goddess, known as the triple Goddess and the Horned God to many. These Gods and Goddesses then often split into different Gods and Goddesses, each representing something different. This is also different with every Wiccan, because some believe in a physical, existing God and Goddess. I personally think of the God and the Goddess as basically 'everything there is' each representing different points in the world and in nature. Basically energy, life, existence. Basically, I would use the God and the Goddess in my prayer to the universe to help be more specific on what I am asking for. As explained below.
Of course, then there's the big one. Witchcraft. One of the least understood terms in today's Society. First of all, Witchcraft is not a religion. You can practice witchcraft and not be Wiccan, and you can be Wiccan and not practice Witchcraft. Witchcraft and Wicca are NOT one of the same. Also varying with everyone you talk to - I believe in Witchcraft as being that everything in the universe is connected to everything, therefore messages being sent asking for certain, reasonable things. I believe in Witchcraft as the transferral of energy. Not Hocus Pocus. Probably the biggest thing, for me, about Witchcraft - is that it's more Psychological. If I want something enough to ask the universe for it, I am likely to be making decisions and following the path afterwards to lead me towards what I want. I am likely to try harder.
Another misconception would be the involvement of Satanism. I know I have been rambling, so I will try to be as brief as I can here.
Satanism is in no way related, or similar, to Wicca. Other than the practice of Witchcraft. Satanism does not practice the worship of Satan. It does however, view him as an idol and they would try to see aspects of him in themselves. Not in a Hellish way, in more of a - give what you get, way. It's about revenge, from my interpretation. It's about looking after you and yours, and only you and yours. It's often very much opposite to Wicca. Though I have met plenty of Satanists, who have been lovely, respectable people. Is Satanism also a Pagan religion? I don't know. It depends on your definition of Paganism. A long time ago, it just meant 'person with no religion, or not a Christian'. Now, it can either mean 'an earth based religion' or 'religion that is not either Christianity, Muslim, and a few more that I'm unclear of because I've forgot'. Either way, it's pretty controversial, and Wiccans and religions alike often like to use the term neo-Paganism to brand themselves to avoid the controversy.
I would personally say that Paganism includes earth based religions, and I would not brand Satanism under this.
I may have made some mistakes with some of the information, due to poor research. Everything I have written is true as far as I'm aware - but feel free to discuss anything if you're not sure. I understand there will be a lot of bias in there, and I understand that the language when speaking about religions other than my own will reflect that they are not my own :P and I am sorry about this, but I did say I was going to put my own opinions. I'm sorry if anyone finds these unreasonable, and I'm sorry about the unavoidable language-reflecting bias. Like I said, I still have upmost respect for everyone who does not believe the same things I do, we're all people at the end of the day. I have my opinions, but I will look upon everyone as an individual and not judge them on their religion. Something I wish more people would be capable of. Both historically, and in modern Society.
I've probably missed loads, but yeah. If anyone actually read that far, I would welcome questions and comments. Thank you :)
Thursday, 17 June 2010
A brief introduction
For the record, this was actually written on 01/06/2010. And it’s almost six in the morning. I’m currently writing this on an old laptop, on an old version of Microsoft word. The laptop is placed next to my bed and I keep picking it up and adding to this because my early morning thinking brain won’t leave me alone.
I don’t know when I’m really planning on putting this on the internet and showing myself bare to the world: but I know I am choosing my words very carefully and so far even this little bit has taken such a long time to write. I guess I’m writing it like a story. I don’t know why. Maybe that’s the easiest way for me to get my message across, though it’s proving not so easy after all…
Eventually I will provide extracts from my diaries and perhaps even my most personal poetry. Aren’t you privileged.
So I’ve lived a pretty average life in some respects. I have a biological father who I can’t remember, and I’ve grown up with a brother, a sister, a mum, and a dad. I’ve laughed, I’ve cried. I’ve loved, and I’ve lied… pretty cliché, really. I’ve had my heart broken, though I guess not only in the same way as most people my age. I have reasonable grades in school, college.. I’m even going to go to University one day so that I can become a nurse, and help other people.
They do say, though, that you can only help someone once you’re able to help yourself. And I completely agree.
I guess this is what I am writing this for; I want to give a real life perspective for people just like me, I want to show people what life can be like sometimes both positive and negative. I want people to know they’re not alone. But not only that: this is for myself, so I can clarify things in my own head and put things into perspective for myself. And so I can make my experiences known, so they're real and so I'm not hiding from them myself any more. Writing has always helped me to do that, it’s always been the easiest way for me to express my thoughts and feelings. I was never good at doing that vocally. I guess that adds to why the hardest day of my life as of yet was the day I had to sit my mother down and tell her what my father had done to me. I’ll never forget how she reacted; her cries of genuine pain, betrayal, confusion… probably every negative emotion there is out there. My mother never understood my battle with severe clinical depression until that very day.
I don’t know when I’m really planning on putting this on the internet and showing myself bare to the world: but I know I am choosing my words very carefully and so far even this little bit has taken such a long time to write. I guess I’m writing it like a story. I don’t know why. Maybe that’s the easiest way for me to get my message across, though it’s proving not so easy after all…
Eventually I will provide extracts from my diaries and perhaps even my most personal poetry. Aren’t you privileged.
So I’ve lived a pretty average life in some respects. I have a biological father who I can’t remember, and I’ve grown up with a brother, a sister, a mum, and a dad. I’ve laughed, I’ve cried. I’ve loved, and I’ve lied… pretty cliché, really. I’ve had my heart broken, though I guess not only in the same way as most people my age. I have reasonable grades in school, college.. I’m even going to go to University one day so that I can become a nurse, and help other people.
They do say, though, that you can only help someone once you’re able to help yourself. And I completely agree.
I guess this is what I am writing this for; I want to give a real life perspective for people just like me, I want to show people what life can be like sometimes both positive and negative. I want people to know they’re not alone. But not only that: this is for myself, so I can clarify things in my own head and put things into perspective for myself. And so I can make my experiences known, so they're real and so I'm not hiding from them myself any more. Writing has always helped me to do that, it’s always been the easiest way for me to express my thoughts and feelings. I was never good at doing that vocally. I guess that adds to why the hardest day of my life as of yet was the day I had to sit my mother down and tell her what my father had done to me. I’ll never forget how she reacted; her cries of genuine pain, betrayal, confusion… probably every negative emotion there is out there. My mother never understood my battle with severe clinical depression until that very day.
Wednesday, 16 June 2010
Collecting my winnings.
Okay, so I guess I'm kind of doing this backwards. I think I'm doing the 'bio-blog' afterwards as some things I don't really know how to express using words in the way that I want to.
I don't even know why I'm doing this - I guess I just want myself to be heard, people to read my opinions, my story. If someone was to ask me my ultimate goal in life, my answer would always be 'to help others.' It always has been. I know that I don't want anyone else to ever have to go through what I have had to go through and I want people to be able to get the help that they need. Sometimes, that's not from professionals or from close family and friends - I know a lot of things that helped me were things I read on the Internet. Other people's stories, inspirational quotes, self-help pages. I'll put more in about that at a later time.
So I guess that's my goal here. If one person reads my story and it helps them to feel only even the tiniest bit better, then my goal will have been accomplished.
So it's only just really hit me - I finish college soon after one of the biggest battles of my life and I am leaving with three distinctions in Health and Social Care. This means I can go to Uni (probably next year) and do almost anything I want to do. I have struggled so hard due to ongoing private issues and I've come out of the end of college and I feel the biggest amount of relief and weight lifted off my shoulders. It feels like spitting in the face of life and saying, "HA, I'VE WON, WHO IS THE ONE LAUGHING NOW?"
I feel like I can't effectively express how accomplished this makes me feel because of my writing style. I feel like the way I speak and the way I write always sounds depressing in some way, I think it's because of my old journals and it's just the way I'm used to writing.
I have only half of an assignment left to do. And then it will be time to collect my winnings. Thank you, life, I'll be taking what I deserve and taking control of the wheel. I will move forward with strength and I WILL beat this, thank you very much.
I don't even know why I'm doing this - I guess I just want myself to be heard, people to read my opinions, my story. If someone was to ask me my ultimate goal in life, my answer would always be 'to help others.' It always has been. I know that I don't want anyone else to ever have to go through what I have had to go through and I want people to be able to get the help that they need. Sometimes, that's not from professionals or from close family and friends - I know a lot of things that helped me were things I read on the Internet. Other people's stories, inspirational quotes, self-help pages. I'll put more in about that at a later time.
So I guess that's my goal here. If one person reads my story and it helps them to feel only even the tiniest bit better, then my goal will have been accomplished.
So it's only just really hit me - I finish college soon after one of the biggest battles of my life and I am leaving with three distinctions in Health and Social Care. This means I can go to Uni (probably next year) and do almost anything I want to do. I have struggled so hard due to ongoing private issues and I've come out of the end of college and I feel the biggest amount of relief and weight lifted off my shoulders. It feels like spitting in the face of life and saying, "HA, I'VE WON, WHO IS THE ONE LAUGHING NOW?"
I feel like I can't effectively express how accomplished this makes me feel because of my writing style. I feel like the way I speak and the way I write always sounds depressing in some way, I think it's because of my old journals and it's just the way I'm used to writing.
I have only half of an assignment left to do. And then it will be time to collect my winnings. Thank you, life, I'll be taking what I deserve and taking control of the wheel. I will move forward with strength and I WILL beat this, thank you very much.
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