The weight of the world.

I've really not had a very good week or so, my therapist has gone away for like a month, and I can't quite work out why. I feel really, really lost. Alone when I'm surrounded by people. I guess it feels like my life's been thrown into turmoil again: you know when it just feels like everything is getting on top of you, you've got so much to do and remember and it feels like you've got concrete blocks strapped to your back?
You give, and you give, and give and you get nothing in return?
That's how I've been feeling. I don't know, I guess I'm fed up of living like a robot. The idea that life's just the same crap, over and over.
The thought that I could potentially have a further 70 years of this, is quite frankly, unbearable at the best of times.
The people I work with are often in their 90s. A lot of them depressed, confused, unhappy. Stories to tell, nevertheless. But I don't want that. I don't know what I want out of life any more, but I know that I don't want to live just to end up with another story to tell. Because what will I get out of that? I'll just die, and that'll be it. Waste of time.

I had a bit of a funny episode the other day, got really tearful and nervous. Anxious, paranoid. It was horrible. I got home and then wouldn't leave my house. I think it's possible I could be addicted to prescription medication.

I just feel really, really lost. Since making the (very hard) decision not to go to Uni this year, feeling liberated, I didn't realise there were more stupid decisions to come. Do I apply for a steady, predictable job? Or do I stay on bank here? See I don't know if I'm gonna keep getting the amount of shifts I get now because of the number of residents and I guess I need a steady wage. I like it there, don't get me wrong - it's what I'm used to now, and we all know I like what I'm used to. But I like flexibility and no commitments. That's what I need.

I don't know - I wanted some money for Uni, but I wanted to have a good time at the same time.
Seems I can't do both.
Mum's gonna want board, too. I just don't know what to do with myself now. Especially while I'm supposed to be recovering.
Is this all life is?...

I've finally finished college completely, got my three distinctions...top grades..yesterday was supposed to be great. Got my grades, gay pride with people that I genuinely like.. then I was supposed to go out but I didn't because I ended up feeling like a pile of shite. What is with that?! Oh yeah, it's called depression. Why, when I'm surrounded by positive things, supposed to be having a good day, am I just not? It's confusing and it hurts my head a little bit. I hate this. I hate that I keep crying. I hate that I feel like things are putting a halt to my recovery. I hate that I don't know what I want any more, I don't feel like I have a place where I belong. I don't feel happy in any area of my life. Work, friends, family. It's all a pile of shit.

My mum's new boyfriend, actually, seems really nice. He's friendly, welcoming, sociable - so what's wrong with him? There must be something, you can't just break a chain of unhappiness and abuse, just like that. I refuse to believe he is as perfect as he seems.

"They've taken away everything I had. Everyone I cared about. Everything I was. But that's how I'm going to win." Hmmmm.... not feeling so inspirational today. Sorry, guys.