Wednesday, 28 July 2010
Sunday, 18 July 2010
Love is...
Monday, 02 March 2009 at 01:34
Romantic relationships.
I was in love once. Actually, I was absolutely besotted.
I can't think of a single word to describe it. Absolute, and complete, he was my absolute fucking world kind of love. I loved him for the best part of three years. Three and a half years.
Deep down I know I always will love him. In a way that he was the first person I ever loved, I gave him my absolute everything and I gave him the power to make me into nothing.
I trusted him not to.
He did.
I found one of those letters earlier, that you don't intend to send. I found pages and pages of 'I miss....' about him. I wrote that a year after we broke up, and I smiled a lot when I read it.
I'll never, ever forget those things.
However, I was completely unaware, until this very day, that being with someone else, may enable me to find new things, different things that I like about that relationship. I thought nothing would ever be able to compare to the things I wrote about that I missed. I thought no relationship would ever begin to match up to it. I could never see myself feeling the same way about anyone ever again.
and I was completely right.
I was, however, unable to comprehend the idea that maybe I might find a relationship that was a different kind of good. I would find a love for someone, that was a different kind of love. I would find areas of a relationship, times with a different person, equally as amazing, and they would make me feel equally as warm inside, but they will be different. I don't want a relationship to ever be like that one, like I thought I did. Because no relationship will be like that one.
But it will be a different kind of good. No less. Just different.
I'm finding it really hard to explain what I'm trying to say so I just hope there's someone out there bothering to read this, who understands and has been through the same kind of thing.
Someone who once meant a hell of a lot to me, and always always will, once told me that this would happen. He told me I'd find someone who I would, not love more, but I would love just as much. And he told me I would have what I once had again, but in a different, maybe even better way.
He said "Ask anyone, your first love won't be your best love."
It matters no more that I will never have what I had. Because now I'm able to put a lid on that and say it's not coming back. And say, that I don't want it to.
What I have is the ability to say I got through it. I had my heart completely torn out of my chest and ripped to pieces before my very eyes.
So what I have is strength.
What I have, is an amazing girl who has shown me that a different kind of wonderful exists.
Friendships.
Anyone who knows me knows that this isn't the *BEST* front at the moment. There are a lot of people who turned out not to be very good friends at all.
However, remaining unaffected, is my best friend.
This girl is the air that I breathe. I honestly can say that I do not know what I would do without her. I'd be in a much worse state than I am now.
We have had a lot of fantastic times together and there are many more to come. We have fourteen million inside jokes, and I know that no matter how decreasing the amount of time we are able to spend together is, my feelings for her have not and will not change in the slightest.
Family.
I have the strangest family, I think, in the whole world. We're like the Adams family.
I don't think there are many others like us.
We get along, and we do things together. We have so many similarities and like the same things, generally, which is good for when we go on holidays or are just doing bugger all together at home. If you were faced with a million different families and had the time to look through them all and put me with one, this would be the one you would know I belonged with.
I don't think I show them much how appreciated they are. But I do love them so very much, and without each of them there is obviously not a chance I would have made it this far.
They are absolutely awesome, and I wouldn't rather have anyone else as my family because they are my best friends too.*
The world.
Anyone that knows me will know of my absolute adoration for the world that surrounds me. I never, ever fail to find it absolutely fascinating. I firmly believe that they day that I walk outside and aren't taken aback by the beauty that surrounds me, this is the day that I completely do lose the will to live. I can't even express how amazing it is, and how much I love absolutely everything about it. I love the sky, the clouds, the grass, the flowers, water, the beautiful beautiful landscapes and I love us. I love people. I love everything we have created and I don't think we are credited enough for our intelligence. Our capability to create such amazing things.
Life.
I love life. Honestly, I do. No matter how much it seems like I don't. No matter how much I joke about not. I do. I think it's amazing and the whole concept of it is too much to even begin to comprehend. It never fails to amaze me. And I love it so very much, even when it's completely shit.**
Unexplainable.
(Refer to the title of the note)
I love love. It's fascinating how we, as such complicated organisms who are out, primarily, for our own survival and the survival of our species, are equipped with such a thing which has the capability to cause so much disruption. Because there is no hate without love. There is no life without love, because it would be empty and we wouldn't have the motivation to do anything, or be with anyone, to carry on our species. I think the point I'm trying to make here is that love is all around us all the time, and even if it's for material objects rather than people, it has the capability to exist within us all and that can do us all so much good.
Because even though it gives us the capability to completely destroy ourselves and others, it also gives us the capability to do the absolute opposite.
And even with the destruction..
I think it's worth it.
Hahaha.. so, looking back on that.
*Funny isn't it, how things change? I wonder if there is actually the perfect family out there. People always seem like they have this television, 'cereal packet' family but then no one ever does. I wonder if there is such thing as a genuinely happy family? When I wrote this my views were so clouded. Things were in my subconscious, repressed, and not yet set free. Not like now. They say repression is bad, I kinda miss it.
Well, I don't really. At least I know now why I'm depressed and why I am the way I am. Back then I hadn't the faintest, and that's why I was unable to recover. At least now I'm on the road to recovery.
** Haha. :P well, what can I say about that. Life is complex, scientifically, it's amazing. It's a gift, though sometimes we might wish we'd kept the recipt.
Romantic relationships.
I was in love once. Actually, I was absolutely besotted.
I can't think of a single word to describe it. Absolute, and complete, he was my absolute fucking world kind of love. I loved him for the best part of three years. Three and a half years.
Deep down I know I always will love him. In a way that he was the first person I ever loved, I gave him my absolute everything and I gave him the power to make me into nothing.
I trusted him not to.
He did.
I found one of those letters earlier, that you don't intend to send. I found pages and pages of 'I miss....' about him. I wrote that a year after we broke up, and I smiled a lot when I read it.
I'll never, ever forget those things.
However, I was completely unaware, until this very day, that being with someone else, may enable me to find new things, different things that I like about that relationship. I thought nothing would ever be able to compare to the things I wrote about that I missed. I thought no relationship would ever begin to match up to it. I could never see myself feeling the same way about anyone ever again.
and I was completely right.
I was, however, unable to comprehend the idea that maybe I might find a relationship that was a different kind of good. I would find a love for someone, that was a different kind of love. I would find areas of a relationship, times with a different person, equally as amazing, and they would make me feel equally as warm inside, but they will be different. I don't want a relationship to ever be like that one, like I thought I did. Because no relationship will be like that one.
But it will be a different kind of good. No less. Just different.
I'm finding it really hard to explain what I'm trying to say so I just hope there's someone out there bothering to read this, who understands and has been through the same kind of thing.
Someone who once meant a hell of a lot to me, and always always will, once told me that this would happen. He told me I'd find someone who I would, not love more, but I would love just as much. And he told me I would have what I once had again, but in a different, maybe even better way.
He said "Ask anyone, your first love won't be your best love."
It matters no more that I will never have what I had. Because now I'm able to put a lid on that and say it's not coming back. And say, that I don't want it to.
What I have is the ability to say I got through it. I had my heart completely torn out of my chest and ripped to pieces before my very eyes.
So what I have is strength.
What I have, is an amazing girl who has shown me that a different kind of wonderful exists.
Friendships.
Anyone who knows me knows that this isn't the *BEST* front at the moment. There are a lot of people who turned out not to be very good friends at all.
However, remaining unaffected, is my best friend.
This girl is the air that I breathe. I honestly can say that I do not know what I would do without her. I'd be in a much worse state than I am now.
We have had a lot of fantastic times together and there are many more to come. We have fourteen million inside jokes, and I know that no matter how decreasing the amount of time we are able to spend together is, my feelings for her have not and will not change in the slightest.
Family.
I have the strangest family, I think, in the whole world. We're like the Adams family.
I don't think there are many others like us.
We get along, and we do things together. We have so many similarities and like the same things, generally, which is good for when we go on holidays or are just doing bugger all together at home. If you were faced with a million different families and had the time to look through them all and put me with one, this would be the one you would know I belonged with.
I don't think I show them much how appreciated they are. But I do love them so very much, and without each of them there is obviously not a chance I would have made it this far.
They are absolutely awesome, and I wouldn't rather have anyone else as my family because they are my best friends too.*
The world.
Anyone that knows me will know of my absolute adoration for the world that surrounds me. I never, ever fail to find it absolutely fascinating. I firmly believe that they day that I walk outside and aren't taken aback by the beauty that surrounds me, this is the day that I completely do lose the will to live. I can't even express how amazing it is, and how much I love absolutely everything about it. I love the sky, the clouds, the grass, the flowers, water, the beautiful beautiful landscapes and I love us. I love people. I love everything we have created and I don't think we are credited enough for our intelligence. Our capability to create such amazing things.
Life.
I love life. Honestly, I do. No matter how much it seems like I don't. No matter how much I joke about not. I do. I think it's amazing and the whole concept of it is too much to even begin to comprehend. It never fails to amaze me. And I love it so very much, even when it's completely shit.**
Unexplainable.
(Refer to the title of the note)
I love love. It's fascinating how we, as such complicated organisms who are out, primarily, for our own survival and the survival of our species, are equipped with such a thing which has the capability to cause so much disruption. Because there is no hate without love. There is no life without love, because it would be empty and we wouldn't have the motivation to do anything, or be with anyone, to carry on our species. I think the point I'm trying to make here is that love is all around us all the time, and even if it's for material objects rather than people, it has the capability to exist within us all and that can do us all so much good.
Because even though it gives us the capability to completely destroy ourselves and others, it also gives us the capability to do the absolute opposite.
And even with the destruction..
I think it's worth it.
Hahaha.. so, looking back on that.
*Funny isn't it, how things change? I wonder if there is actually the perfect family out there. People always seem like they have this television, 'cereal packet' family but then no one ever does. I wonder if there is such thing as a genuinely happy family? When I wrote this my views were so clouded. Things were in my subconscious, repressed, and not yet set free. Not like now. They say repression is bad, I kinda miss it.
Well, I don't really. At least I know now why I'm depressed and why I am the way I am. Back then I hadn't the faintest, and that's why I was unable to recover. At least now I'm on the road to recovery.
** Haha. :P well, what can I say about that. Life is complex, scientifically, it's amazing. It's a gift, though sometimes we might wish we'd kept the recipt.
"Nature, in her most dazzling aspects or stupendous parts is but the background and theatre of the tragedy of man."
Laughing so hard it hurts like hell.
I told myself I wasn't going to post any photos of myself on here, but I decided this one was worth it. This was from someone very important to me at a very hard time, a long time ago and I've just found it on my old myspace account while browsing through (and getting very upset and nostalgic).
Here's to real strength, friends.
Sunday, 11 July 2010
The weight of the world.
I've really not had a very good week or so, my therapist has gone away for like a month, and I can't quite work out why. I feel really, really lost. Alone when I'm surrounded by people. I guess it feels like my life's been thrown into turmoil again: you know when it just feels like everything is getting on top of you, you've got so much to do and remember and it feels like you've got concrete blocks strapped to your back?
You give, and you give, and give and you get nothing in return?
That's how I've been feeling. I don't know, I guess I'm fed up of living like a robot. The idea that life's just the same crap, over and over.
The thought that I could potentially have a further 70 years of this, is quite frankly, unbearable at the best of times.
The people I work with are often in their 90s. A lot of them depressed, confused, unhappy. Stories to tell, nevertheless. But I don't want that. I don't know what I want out of life any more, but I know that I don't want to live just to end up with another story to tell. Because what will I get out of that? I'll just die, and that'll be it. Waste of time.
I had a bit of a funny episode the other day, got really tearful and nervous. Anxious, paranoid. It was horrible. I got home and then wouldn't leave my house. I think it's possible I could be addicted to prescription medication.
I just feel really, really lost. Since making the (very hard) decision not to go to Uni this year, feeling liberated, I didn't realise there were more stupid decisions to come. Do I apply for a steady, predictable job? Or do I stay on bank here? See I don't know if I'm gonna keep getting the amount of shifts I get now because of the number of residents and I guess I need a steady wage. I like it there, don't get me wrong - it's what I'm used to now, and we all know I like what I'm used to. But I like flexibility and no commitments. That's what I need.
I don't know - I wanted some money for Uni, but I wanted to have a good time at the same time.
Seems I can't do both.
Mum's gonna want board, too. I just don't know what to do with myself now. Especially while I'm supposed to be recovering.
Is this all life is?...
I've finally finished college completely, got my three distinctions...top grades..yesterday was supposed to be great. Got my grades, gay pride with people that I genuinely like.. then I was supposed to go out but I didn't because I ended up feeling like a pile of shite. What is with that?! Oh yeah, it's called depression. Why, when I'm surrounded by positive things, supposed to be having a good day, am I just not? It's confusing and it hurts my head a little bit. I hate this. I hate that I keep crying. I hate that I feel like things are putting a halt to my recovery. I hate that I don't know what I want any more, I don't feel like I have a place where I belong. I don't feel happy in any area of my life. Work, friends, family. It's all a pile of shit.
My mum's new boyfriend, actually, seems really nice. He's friendly, welcoming, sociable - so what's wrong with him? There must be something, you can't just break a chain of unhappiness and abuse, just like that. I refuse to believe he is as perfect as he seems.
"They've taken away everything I had. Everyone I cared about. Everything I was. But that's how I'm going to win." Hmmmm.... not feeling so inspirational today. Sorry, guys.
You give, and you give, and give and you get nothing in return?
That's how I've been feeling. I don't know, I guess I'm fed up of living like a robot. The idea that life's just the same crap, over and over.
The thought that I could potentially have a further 70 years of this, is quite frankly, unbearable at the best of times.
The people I work with are often in their 90s. A lot of them depressed, confused, unhappy. Stories to tell, nevertheless. But I don't want that. I don't know what I want out of life any more, but I know that I don't want to live just to end up with another story to tell. Because what will I get out of that? I'll just die, and that'll be it. Waste of time.
I had a bit of a funny episode the other day, got really tearful and nervous. Anxious, paranoid. It was horrible. I got home and then wouldn't leave my house. I think it's possible I could be addicted to prescription medication.
I just feel really, really lost. Since making the (very hard) decision not to go to Uni this year, feeling liberated, I didn't realise there were more stupid decisions to come. Do I apply for a steady, predictable job? Or do I stay on bank here? See I don't know if I'm gonna keep getting the amount of shifts I get now because of the number of residents and I guess I need a steady wage. I like it there, don't get me wrong - it's what I'm used to now, and we all know I like what I'm used to. But I like flexibility and no commitments. That's what I need.
I don't know - I wanted some money for Uni, but I wanted to have a good time at the same time.
Seems I can't do both.
Mum's gonna want board, too. I just don't know what to do with myself now. Especially while I'm supposed to be recovering.
Is this all life is?...
I've finally finished college completely, got my three distinctions...top grades..yesterday was supposed to be great. Got my grades, gay pride with people that I genuinely like.. then I was supposed to go out but I didn't because I ended up feeling like a pile of shite. What is with that?! Oh yeah, it's called depression. Why, when I'm surrounded by positive things, supposed to be having a good day, am I just not? It's confusing and it hurts my head a little bit. I hate this. I hate that I keep crying. I hate that I feel like things are putting a halt to my recovery. I hate that I don't know what I want any more, I don't feel like I have a place where I belong. I don't feel happy in any area of my life. Work, friends, family. It's all a pile of shit.
My mum's new boyfriend, actually, seems really nice. He's friendly, welcoming, sociable - so what's wrong with him? There must be something, you can't just break a chain of unhappiness and abuse, just like that. I refuse to believe he is as perfect as he seems.
"They've taken away everything I had. Everyone I cared about. Everything I was. But that's how I'm going to win." Hmmmm.... not feeling so inspirational today. Sorry, guys.
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